Good Morning Beautiful

Good morning beautiful, these three words I would say to her. I meant them every time I said them. I am not sure if that even mattered. I am not sure of anything anymore. It feels like it was a dream.

At night I dream of you

There's nothing that we cannot do

Together in the dream we are quite a pair

I wake, open my eyes and you are not there

I sigh and try not to fret

But there's part of me that is upset

You say you are there and that you are close

But not when I need you the most

Staying strong through this is a must

If not, there is no us

The love I feel for you runs deep in my heart

That's why It's hard for me being apart

I know you love me, this I have seen

I just hope it's not all a dream

darlene rabideau

Louvre Museum in Paris France

Not a good feeling

This article, Phrases narcissists use hit home with me. Having gone through all three stages and with each stage having many of these things said to me. It is not a good feeling. I hope no one I know ever has to go through what I went through in dealing with a narcissist.

Here's a quick run through.

Idealization Stage:

• You're my soul mate
• I've never met anyone like you before or You've never met anyone like me before
• You're so kind, creative, smart, and handsome 

Devaluation Stage:

• You're crazy!
• You're too sensitive!
• No wonder nobody else likes you

The explanation of why they are devaluing you:

• My husband cheated on me
• I don't do it on purpose or It's not intentional

Devalue what I loved to do or my interests and who I talk to

• You like that? It's dumb!
• I can't believe you enjoy doing that
• Don't talk to your friends about me

Discard Stage:

• No one likes you!
• Nobody else will love you
• I'm the best you'll ever have
• Have fun being alone for the rest of your life
• You did this to yourself

They will also tell anyone that knows you how you are trying to make them look bad and how crazy you are. They make you blame yourself. If you are around a person like this, try to distance yourself from them.

Lifted

Yesterday was a satisfying day. The weather was just right, not or cold. I got my yard work done without overheating. The big thing that made me happy was that I was able to lift my car. I purchased a Twin Busch mid-rise scissor lift a couple months ago and have been waiting for their ramps to come back in stock. They had a month to six weeks when I emailed them back at the beginning of August. I decided I did not want to wait any longer. After seeing a video on YouTube where a detail shop had the same lift and used Race Ramps I decided to do the same thing. These Race Ramps work perfectly for the job. They are designed for trailers, but the design fits the lift. It was surreal having the car lifted off the ground for the first time. I may get larger rubber blocks to put under the lift points. The current setup is one and half inch rubber block and then round slotted rubber blocks that fit in the pinch welds. I have found three inch rubber blocks on Amazon. The reason is that the lift touches some of the under body covers when lifted and that bothers me. I'll need to get a lift oil drain pan too. This is all actually so cool to me. I will say the going up part, once the rubber blocks are in the correct place is smooth. The coming back down not so much. It is a little jerky and the car sways. I could hear the gas sloshing in the tank as it came down. I did not take it to the full height, but I believe I could have. It would just clear the garage door opener. I feel this is a big accomplishment for me. It has been something I've wanted for a few years and being able to get it and get it working makes me feel good. There are more pieces to be done to the garage, but that will wait until my new main goal/priority is achieved. 

September 19th, 2020

Gaby - September 20th, 2011

Gaby - September 20th, 2011

September 20th, 2020

A lot of memories on this day

Today is a day that has a lot of memories associated with it. Most are in the recent past as that is when I was taking pictures more and it was saved. I am actually grateful for that. I like to look at past memories. I wish I had more pictures before I carried a phone that took pictures whenever. Carrying a camera around and then getting the film developed was a pain in the ass. Today I have pictures of Gaby where she is almost year old and other pictures of Gaby swimming at a "her" house in 2017. I have a picture of Maria, Aidina and myself after we had lunch at the Domain. I wish I was still in touch with Maria. I also have pictures of my trip to Paris, France from 2014.

Paris Airport - September 9th, 2014

Louis Vuitton Paris - September 9th, 2014

September 9th, 2014

September 9th, 2014

September 9th, 2014

September 9th, 2014

September 9th, 2014

September 9th, 2014

September 9th, 2014

September 9th, 2014

September 9th, 2014

September 9th, 2014

September 9th, 2014

The picture below is from the morning at work in 2019. We were not sure what happened but there was a lot of police in the parking lot.

September 9th, 2019

VIN of a Jaguar F-Type that I needed for the Christmas present I got her. It was an engraved blueprint of her car and I wanted it to have the VIN on it. - September 9th, 2017

Aidina on my right and Maria on my left - September 9th, 2012

September 9th, 2020

Oh hi

 

A Pleasant Day

That's what I expect it to be today. 

Anyway, it rained this morning. I was going to wash my car. No worries though, I am happy that it rained. I can wash the car tomorrow morning. I'm still put a lot of thought into car parts and garage upgrades. I think that I will get a mid-rise scissor lift for my garage. I'm torn between a Twin Busch and a Nussbaum lift. There's about a $1000 difference between the two. The Nussbaum being more expensive. The drawback I see of the Twin Busch is that it says it takes 8 weeks for delivery, plus there's two accessories I would need to buy. Which are extended ramps to drive onto the ramp and the mobile kit to allow me to move it around. The Nussbaum comes with the mobile kit and I'm not sure if extended ramps are needed for it. I am also unsure of the amount of time for delivery. If it is half the time or less to deliver, maybe the extra $1K is worth it. I may need to send an email to both places and ask.

The Elkhorn, NE water tower. The one thing I remember the most about my home town. June 20th, 2014

A praying mantis on my car at work - June 20th, 2019

June 20th, 2020

Productive Day

I was feeling down Friday afternoon and I felt that I did not get anything done except my normal day of work. That night, I told myself I would get a lot more done than just playing video games for Saturday. I can say that was accomplished. I got up at 5:00 AM, ate breakfast and did my daily post. Around 7:45 AM, I pulled the car outside and washed the rear end of the car. The reasoning was because I wanted to clean underneath the license plate in the back. I had removed it before washing. Washed with soap and water, I sprayed it with iron remover. I was surprised at the amount of iron on just that area. Letting that sit for a few minutes, I sprayed it off with water and backed the car back into the garage. I used towels to dry the area. To make sure it was dry before doing any polishing, I then trimmed and mowed the lawn. That took just over an hour. I'm glad I did it in the morning because it got warmer as the day went on. I have been diligent to make sure I put sunscreen on my ears and neck while mowing. I wear a hat and a bandanna around my neck to help other areas. Once I was finished with the lawn, I went in and attempted to polish the license plate area. I used my cordless drill since I have a foam cone attachment for getting in the hard to reach areas. I would say I removed 95% of the dirt that was in that area that was stained on the paint. Also, as luck would have it, the LED bulbs from Diode Dynamics came in the mail and I changed those out. It was easier that I thought it would be and I'm glad I looked up how to do it on the web. I almost messed up the light housing. While I was changing these out, I had applied Gtechniq ceramic coating to the license plate area in hopes that later, it will keep that area clean in the future. After applying the last coat of ceramic coating, it was 5:00 PM. I also managed to get my 12,500 steps in for the day, which marked 175 day goal streak. I feel yesterday was productive.

Dirty license plate area

Clean license plate area

The LED bulbs for reverse and turn signals

Reverse lights before. I did not know until then that one was out.

Reverse lights after

Turn signals before

Turn signals after. The picture doesn't look like that much of a difference, but in person it is

A turtle on the walking trail at Forcepoint - June 14th, 2016

Storm clouds after the gym - June 14th, 2015

June 14th, 2020

World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day

June 1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day. Until recently, I would not have know this day exists. I was unaware that there was a such a thing as narcissistic abuse or that it could effect a person in such an adverse way. Another thing for people to know is that narcissists are not all men. As my abuser was a woman.

I like to think that I was a person that could not fall into what happened to me. Yet, it did happen and it lasted for five years. Besides the narcissistic abuse the relationship also had other aspects that I was aware of, but was told they would change. That promise never happened, along with many other promises she told me.

The hardest part for me in getting over what has happened is understanding that everything I believed about her, everything she said to me and everything she did for me was all a lie. I was just used for her narcissistic supply for whatever she needed at that time. Months of counseling has helped me understand, but I will admit I am still messed up in my head. #IfMyWoundsWereVisible

And now, onto something better. I washed my car this morning. Again. It was dirty from the drive yesterday and the rain we ran into during the drive. I don't mind washing my car because it's something that makes me happy. I also have today off of work, so that's a plus as well. I still have not heard back about the question I had about missing parts for the brakes I ordered. If I do not hear anything later today, I will send another email. I do not like doing that, but the order said one thing and I got something else. If that was how it was supposed to be, then that should have been said at the beginning of the process.

June 1st, 2020

Austin Fs Cruise 2020

Here are a few pictures taken by me from the event. I left at the lunch stop, as I had things to do at home. It was a fantastic day for the drive and it was a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to going on another outing.

The Lexus F Cars - May 31st, 2020

Another group pic at the Lakeway Lexus dealership - May 31st, 2020